When I first heard of a restaurant called a “greasy spoon”, my initial reaction was “Why don’t they run them through the dishwasher again?” Oddly, I am not too far off on this one. I have come to my own criteria for a “greasy spoon” restaurant.
1. “We serve breakfast all day” is plastered across the top of all menu’s, and usually mentioned more than once
2. Their food is good. Not good as in “healthy” or good as in good, but good as in bad. So bad, when you have cleaned your plate, you can see yourself in the greasy mirror left behind and your cholesterol number appears in red on your white undershirt as you leave.
3. A breakfast "bar". A place for those travelers or loaners that need a place to sit without taking up an eight person booth
4. Open after the bars are closed. Fuck, breakfast is served all day.
5. Their “low fat” menu items have a calorie rating higher than the highest SAT scores in the country. But hey, it’s a low fat item on THAT menu.
6. Generally “tarnished” spoons. “Greasy spoon” rolls off the tongue a lot better than “tarnished spoon”.
Who does the “World famous” voting? Where the fuck is this white clothed booth located? I want an “I voted for world famous” sticker on my lapel someday. Someone is always advertising that they have “World Famous Fries” or “World famous (insert whatever you want)”. I think I am going to claim myself as the “World Famous Josh”. You disagree? Well, you should have fucking voted then.
What makes an item a “house specialty” on a menu? What makes Don’s Family Feedbag’s chicken fried steak, better than Pistol Pete’s Rooster Tail Bonaza’s chicken fried steak. I got a house specialty, Mac&Cheese, my Kraft box comes in a different color of blue and has red writing
What is “nog”? I am addicted to Egg Nog shakes and egg nog in general. Artic Circle should advertise “Now with real Nog!” Imagine the unnecessary questions and comments they would receive, but man it would be funny.
What is the “low fat” range on a menu? Why is the chicken cordon bleu “low fat” at Applebee’s, but not Chili’s? Are we talking 500 calories with 10 coming from fat? There needs to be a key card placed somewhere at restaurants.
Who says there is no such thing as a stupid question? I would like to start my own cliché. Even the phrase “that is so cliché” is a cliché. But yet, I can’t think of anyting great to start off with. Man, this job is harder than trying to wipe your ass with a fig leaf and a bungy cord.
I know this great little tarnished spoon around the corner, they have World Famous biscuits and gravy, and yes, they do have a low fat menu.