Monday, September 18, 2006

Lets do lunch

Last Friday, I met face-to-face with the shows producers. It was nice, they are all very open to my ideas and comenic direction that I am taking. They did inform me that this show is still strugglying for viewership, so the next taping could be the one time I see my name in the credits. Lunch was great, they brough my list of ideas and we expanded upon most of them. I think we left there with some great monologue ideas.

They also wanted more material. So, over the weekend I put some thoughts together and this is what I came up with. Again, these jokes are MINE, and only MINE. I am copywriting this material so back off punks.

"Fall is coming, that means winterizing time for the swamp cooler. I wonder if this comes in second for household injuries, next to Christmas light accidents. Mine is on the roof and I have this fear of heights. Not only is mine on the roof, but the pitch of my roof is easily somewhere between 45 and 75 degrees. My wife calls the fire department, so they are “on-call”. It is never a good sign when you have to go the ER at a hospital, and they great you as “Hello Chad, what did you do this time?”

What is the deal with Halloween around here? I have not seen this many decorations this year in my life. We all have that neighbor that leaves his decorations up all year. You know what this guys is thinking, come the middle of May “Well, it has been over 6 months since Halloween, no point in taken them down now, since Halloween is just around the corner.” I am looking forward to the Peeps candy. Usually reserved for Easter, these popular concoctions of sugar and some sugar and some other “substance” that holds the sugar together have made their way to every major holiday. I a looking forward to Peeps for Grandparents day and Administrators assistant day. You are all now envisioning your parents in Peep form. Isn’t Halloween candy odd? Candy corn…how the hell does this look like corn? Harvest Corn…yeah, this makes more sense…not. Who here hated that one family on your street that would give out pencils or bag of nuts or better yet, toothbrushes? Usually that house later became a target for many eggs. Of course, the “good” homes, the one that passes out pop cans or bag after bag of snickers bars, spread through the tricker treaters gossip chain like a razor blade through an apple. Best one, the families that are not there, but has that sign “please take one”…screw that! Probably one kid follows that rule, but that is about it. That bowl of “take one” is usually cleared out before the family is at the end of their driveway.

I wonder what Halloween is like at the Jeffs’ compound? All those jack-o-lanters lite up would be like the Balagio in Vegas. Who is creepier, Michael Jackson or Warren Jeffs? I guess Jackson only had three kids while Jeffs has help populate a small town.


This one comes out of the “articles of the bizarre”. A man in Connecticut is suing a wig shop over a dispute on a toupee color that caused the patron to have a heart attack. Of course the storeowner disputes this claim. I wonder if this made him so mad he pulled his hair off. He is BALD, anything for him would be better, unless he received Don King’s hair piece. Whatever happened to that “hair in a spray can” from like the 90’s? That stuff was flammable, why would a person want that on his head. The ad should have read “Piss of an ant pile with a lighter and our “hair in a can” then spray a glob on your head before you and your favorite woman hit the town.”

Anyone hear own a leaf blower? To me, that device says “Here neighbor, clean up my crap too.” I am sure they actual serve a purpose besides being loud, and putting your leaves into your neighbors yard. I was walking my dog the other day. An individual was using one of these leaf blowers. They lived on a cut-de-sac and were putting all the leaves and dust and dirt into one pile in the middle. As I passed back by later, a different neighbor was blowing that pile back into that neighbor’s yard. I was thinking that Jerry Springer might like what could happen next.

If Columbus did actually discover America in October, how the hell does that day always fall on a Monday? We don’t make this type of “shortcut” for the 4th of July. I can see conversation in the boat:

Shipmate Amos says “Chris good buddy is that the “New World” over there?”

Christopher replies “Perhaps, but it is Sunday…lets give it a day.”

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Young Guns

For those of you not following the playoff race, Liriano is out for the season and Verlander has gone 2-4 in his last 7 starts with a 5.48 ERA over that stretch. Excluding recent events, since baseball is not a perfect sport, this class of pitchers we have seen this year, could very well be the best in a very long time. Who do I consider to be in this class? Excellent question, from the man with the mullet in the back row.

(In no particular order and I am sure I am missing some)
1. Jared Weaver 11-2 2.30 ERA 87 K's
2. Fransico Liriano 12-3 2.16 ERA 144K's
3. Josh Johnson 12-7 3.10 ERA 133K's
4. Scott Olsen 12-8 3.98 ERA 150 K's
5. Anibal Sanchez 8-2 2.96 ERA 61 K's
6. Chad Billingsley 5-3 3.02 ERA 53 K's

Well, that is all can think off from the top of my head. This blog was not well thought out, shocker. Others include Snell from the Pirates, the D-Rays have a few young ones and how can you forget Lester and Papelbon from the Red Sox.

I am sad to see Liriano headed down the road of Tommy John surgery which has a 12 month rehab associated with it.

While I am talking about pitching, in case you have not heard, if Johan Santana does NOT get the Cy Young, I will stage a walk out in protest. At least on the AL side. The NL side is not very clear cut. Brad Penny leads in wins, currently at 16, while Chris Carpenter leads in ERA, a stat that I like to monitor. Carpenter does have 14 wins, so I guess, by default he would get my imaginary vote.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

As promised..

This material is copywrited, so don't got out there copy and pasting.

Monologue ideas: (There are rough and just ideas. Please feel free to bend them, break them and twist them if anything catches your eye)

I heard that Rocky Anderson wants to put of some Field Goal posts at the point of the mountain. He figures this will keep the BYU football out of the SLC

Have you ever watched someone open a fortune cookie and for about 2-4 seconds, they actually think the fortune will come true? “Never kiss an elephant on the lips” and the person nods in acknowledgement. I always wanted to write fortune cookies “How was your meal?” And “Do not believe what cookies say”

Crown Burger, how many employees does one establishment need? You walk in, they have 20 people ready to take your order, prepare your food and server it out to you. I was the only person in there the other day, ordered a crown burger, waited, waited some more, took 10 minutes because they kept falling over each other. The odd thing, as I am leaving, they have a help wanted sign on the window.

I work in an office cubicle all day. Anyone else have a 6X6 grey, semi-padded cell? I figured since I work in one giant room of cubicles, I would start my own cubicle gang. My “people” are located on the north side of my office building, so we all flash “north side” gang signs at work. We have only had to fight the south side for the water cooler once, my office chair has hydraulics, it has been officially “pimped”.

Why is it the “water cooler” is the best place to chat? There are never any chairs near by. Now, the break room is the place to meet, but maybe that is too obvious.

Isn’t office humor the best sometimes? Like when people go on vacation, you fill their cubicle with shipping peanuts, or revere all the keys on their keyboard. I put a pink piece of paper on a guys monitor once…as far as I know, he has never seen it. It is still on the monitor, but his cubicle is empty of all personal items.

Did you see that Warren Jeffs was arrested outside of Vegas? Did that strike anyone else as odd? Why is the head of a religious group in “Sin City”? I also noticed that he has taken this “polygamy” thing a bit far, he has hired two attorneys.

Did you see that Utah is #3 in a study that looks at longevity and health? People live, on average to be 78 years old in Utah. Do you know what state was last? Anywhere that Dick Cheney is hunting.

We are getting a new Soccer stadium in Sandy, which has mixed reviews. They are taking something like 8 million dollars from the Granite school district. 8 Mil! The parents are especially mad because of all the extra sugar cookies and brownies that will have to be made to make up for the loss.

Game on!

I submitted some material to the TV show, 15 minutes, here in SLC. Personally, what I submitted was crap, utter crap. I did not send the document to work, so I will post that steaming pile once I arrive at home. But, here is the response I received:

"Your stuff was right on.. some of it will need tweaked but I was pleasantly surprised. I will hand it over tomorrow and see what they do with it. Feel free to send some more as you happen upon them.

If you get out of your cubicle we should do lunch one of these days.

Let me know.

Thanks again for your interest and sharing your talents!"

It took me about 90 minutes to come up with about 6 jokes. I thought that was too long. I need to take a small pad or recording device with me at all times. I see funny stuff around this place all the time, but fail to remember it when forced to sit at the keyboard. I have a new appreciation for those people that write "funny monologues" daily; it can be rather challenging I found. I did send a disclaimer in my email informing him that my jokes would need some work, but overall, I thought the reply I received was on an up-beat note. They could also be playing nice as to not break apart my fragile comedian ego. The best part of his reply was the word "talents". That made me laugher harder than anything I submitted.

As always, I will keep you informed...even though I know you don't care.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

A moment of morality

Today, for work, I attended an all-day conference. Upon entering this event, I was missing a pen to take notes. I approached the main organizer for the event informing her I was missing a writing instrument. She gave me a solid blue, in color, Bic pen, and then informed me that she would have others pens delivered. Thinking nothing of it, I headed back to my seat.

As the first presenter begins, I look down at the pen as if I am getting ready to add this device to my hand, when I notice some gold writing on it. The writing says "BYU Cougars." Without a moment’s hesitation, I slam the pen down on the desk and search frantically through my laptop bag for some Purell, to only come up empty handed. Okay, I didn't small it down, but it did feel a like a hot potato.

BYU is the one team, given the chance to play the Yankees, Cowboys or Lakers...I would route for the Yankees, Cowboys or Lakers....I hate those 3 professional teams. I would rather use a Bobcat pen then stoop to use a Cougar pen.

At the moment our first break began, said pen found its way into a giant garbage can.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

9-22

For the record, I am blogging before this game is over. What a horrible game the Hawks played. This was the best offense in last the NFL last season, and we looked pathetic. I am not watching the Denver game. Yes, shocking, the only game that SLC will televise this year for Seattle, and they lose. 9-22 is the open day record of the Seahawks, assuming they still go onto loose.

Hasellback was sacked 5 times at this writing.....5! Jones looks to be injured with some sort of ankle injury and we are going to miss Hutch at guard. I knew I should have never broken my fantasy football rule, never draft Hawks. I have 2 offensive players with a combine total of 8 fucking points.

Why is preseason so long if you are going to look like shit in the regular season? From now on, no more games in Detroit, this is not a good place for us.

I will give Detroit some credit; they definitely want this win way more than Seattle.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

My "other" league and "Stump the Band"

Today has started off a lot better than yesterday; of course, I may have jinxed my work day. We had our fantasy draft on Tuesday night; here is how my team looks:

QB M. Hasselbeck (Sea - QB)
WR D. Jackson (Sea - WR)
WR D. Stallworth (Phi - WR)
WR B. Edwards (Cle - WR)
RB T. Barber (NYG - RB)
RB W. Parker (Pit - RB)
TE B. Troupe (Ten - TE)
QB D. Culpepper (Mia - QB)
RB D. Foster (Car - RB)
RB M. Bell (Den – RB)
RB K. Barlow (NYJ - RB)
WR B. Lloyd (Was - WR)
QB P. Rivers (SD - QB)
K J. Feely (NYG - K)
DEF Seattle (Sea - DEF)

Not a great team by anyone's calculation, especially when it comes to bench players for RB and WR. Time will tell how well I can do this year, I predict a 8-8 year and miss out on the money round in our playoffs.

The first no hitter in over 2 years was thrown last night by one of the many young guns the Marlins have on their pitching staff, Anibal Sanchez. I had him on my fantasy staff for 2 games where he gave up 10 ER in 10 innings and went back on waivers after a 0-2 stint. For the season, he is 7-2...go figure.

Tonight is the opening game for the NFL; I am excited for this season to start. I hope to get all chores done on Saturday, so I can camp out and watch games on Sunday. There is talk of us brewing a batch of beer on Sunday, so that will also be nice to do with the games on in the background.

I heard back from the local TV show, "15 Minutes". Here is their response, looks like I need to work on my material...so a horse walks into a bar....:

"Josh,

I am with you, I think our host needs some better content. A lot of his jokes fall flat with me. Part of the problem is the time he doesn't have to spend writing funny bits. I think it would be great if you wanted to write some bits. Try to keep most of it local, tied into local news stories, etc. and at the same time ... relatively timeless. (we tape shows 2-3 weeks before they air.)

We are at a point where we will decide if this show is going to fly or die. As always it comes down to the bottom line. :)

Feel free to write some stuff, and run it by us. Our next taping is Sept. 23rd. We can't offer much, except screen credits, and a shot at writing some material. I also can't guarantee that we'll use your stuff, but knowing how much time we get to dedicate to the 'funny'...chances are good. Make me proud!"

Seems promising, I hope that I can supply them with adequate humor, along with any and all other struggling comedians in the SLC area, to improve the show. I felt a bit arrogant writing them, but since they responded in a positive way, that is encouraging. I will do what I can to update my 5+ readers on any and all progress.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

D1 weekend

Well, the Griz were (as expected) pounded by Iowa 41-7. From the sounds of it, we did okay on the injury front. MSU on the other hand, owned CU for their first win of the year. I will laugh if MSU loses to Chadron State this coming weekend. The Griz drop to 6th, and the Cats move up to 11th in D1-AA polls. Cory Carpenter for MSU looks pretty good, came to Bozo by way of Oregon, much like Lulay.

The weekend was nice overall. Had some family visit and was a member of the studio audience for a local TV show. I belive this show is new to the area, it seemed somewhat rough, but again, it is local.

Here is the letter that I wrote to the show:

Hello YourFifteen,

I had the great pleasure of attending the taping this past weekend (roller girls). As much as I enjoy the concept of what you are trying to achieve, I was curious if you are open to ideas and/or folks volunteering time to help.

I am not a master comedian, nor do I play one on TV however, I would like to send in some monologue material to see if I can add some additional humor for your TV audience. This would be the cry of a wannabe comedian for a shot to write some material. I highly enjoy what you are trying to do for people in the greater SLC area, and I would like to participate on some humorous ways.

I am sure I am not the only pseudo comedian attempting to buy some ear time from the producers, but please keep me informed if this sounds like a good idea.

Thank you
Josh Fleming


I know, a horrible letter but I am looking for my 15 minutes, so to speak.

Tonight is my Fantasy football draft, I have no idea where to even begin on my draft selections. However, I usually attend these drafts more for the trash talking then the actual drafting. Thursday is the big NFL kickoff game. I am looking forward to this season, especially since the M's aren't giving me much reason to watch, except my devotion to that team.

Friday, September 01, 2006

ITLAP Day

WTF does that mean? For all those land lubbers of you not familiar with "booty" or "bung holes" that is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. For months now, my moniker within MSN Messenger has been advertising the day almost to a fault. Honestly, I am getting a bit arrrrrrh'd out. As you may have noticed, the site is filled with a variety of bounty, made for both men and your "beauty". Many of you will enjoy the "Top 10 pickup lines", there are twice as fun in German. The German's have a long history of pirate run-ins and debauchery, but that is for another time.

For some history on the creation of this grammar-less celebration, here you go.

Little League World Series

While I am on a baseball mental track and my morning fires are behind me, I want to comment on the Little League World Series.

1. They had to move the outfield fence out further. I am not sure what or how I feel about this because some of these kids were still able to crush the ball. One kid, I think for Texas, had 53 home runs on the season going into this late summer international classic. Is it just me, or do we need to see if anyone at age 12 is using some of the clear or the cream? My excuse for my lack of size to date is that I didn't want to stunt my growth by working out prior to age 16....or age 30...whatever.

2. Can these kids pitch or what? These youngsters have some mean breaking stuff that left both domestic and foreign batters speechless at the plate. I never played little league ball, so I have no historical background, but I don't recall seeing kids age 12 throw like Clemens.

MVP Talk....shut up!

Every late May, sports writers and radio talk show host love to get our hopes up on the MVP race. Perhaps late may was a bit of an exaggeration, but who cares because we all know I am close to accurate. Here's an idea, lets wait to talk about who will win the MVP and any other baseball awards until October 3rd.

Lately, in the American league, the debate rages on about a DH being able to hold the MVP award high. If you have a DH on your team that leads the team in the 3 major offensive categories, and perhaps top 3 in the league in 2 outa 3...sure give it to him, assuming that his team is actually doing well. The missing link to my argument is that the DH does not play defense. I have mixed feeling about this, but I lean towards the school of thought that an "everyday" player should get this.

Are you ready for this contradiction? My vote this year goes to Joe Mauer. The reason being, he leads the MLB in Average and is the backstop for (potentially) the best 1-2 punch since Schilling and Johnson played for the D-Backs. At the time of this writing, he has played in 99 games as catcher. Most likely ending the season close to last years total of 116 games. Sure, Santana and Liriano have talent, but they also look to Mauer to guide them each time they pitch. Liriano is a rookie with a promising future of dominating AL hitters (assuming free agency does not get the better of him) for many years to come. Both Santana and Liriano are strike out machines. The Twins are 4th in the league with ERA, 3rd in strikeouts, and last in walks with a league low 278. I think the catcher should get some credit for this.

For AL Cy Young, I am waiting until October 3rd to decide on this one.

A little known fact on Mike Gonzalez. He is the only pitcher to be 100% in saves/save ops with 24 saves. Of course he plays for the cellar dweller Pirates, but still good to know. What does this stat say to me? He will be sought after this "hot stove" season for someone that is missing this link to a championship. The only reason I know this, he is on my fantasy team. He is a small bright light in an otherwise horrible season.

On that topic, a few bright spots for my team. Justin Verlander has done well, so had the young guns for the Marlins, Johnson and Olsen. I picked up Billingsley for the streaking Dodgers when he was called up, had a slow start but has won 5 of his last 8 starts with 1 loss and 2 ND's. Besides that, I have had a rotating free agency door for a pitching staff. I guess better luck next year...now onto fantasy football.

Do you hear that?

That is the Whambulance heading towards "Bill's" house. I have made the change only under the pressure to maintain a readership higher than 5.