They also wanted more material. So, over the weekend I put some thoughts together and this is what I came up with. Again, these jokes are MINE, and only MINE. I am copywriting this material so back off punks.
"Fall is coming, that means winterizing time for the swamp cooler. I wonder if this comes in second for household injuries, next to Christmas light accidents. Mine is on the roof and I have this fear of heights. Not only is mine on the roof, but the pitch of my roof is easily somewhere between 45 and 75 degrees. My wife calls the fire department, so they are “on-call”. It is never a good sign when you have to go the ER at a hospital, and they great you as “Hello Chad, what did you do this time?”
What is the deal with Halloween around here? I have not seen this many decorations this year in my life. We all have that neighbor that leaves his decorations up all year. You know what this guys is thinking, come the middle of May “Well, it has been over 6 months since Halloween, no point in taken them down now, since Halloween is just around the corner.” I am looking forward to the Peeps candy. Usually reserved for Easter, these popular concoctions of sugar and some sugar and some other “substance” that holds the sugar together have made their way to every major holiday. I a looking forward to Peeps for Grandparents day and Administrators assistant day. You are all now envisioning your parents in Peep form. Isn’t Halloween candy odd? Candy corn…how the hell does this look like corn? Harvest Corn…yeah, this makes more sense…not. Who here hated that one family on your street that would give out pencils or bag of nuts or better yet, toothbrushes? Usually that house later became a target for many eggs. Of course, the “good” homes, the one that passes out pop cans or bag after bag of snickers bars, spread through the tricker treaters gossip chain like a razor blade through an apple. Best one, the families that are not there, but has that sign “please take one”…screw that! Probably one kid follows that rule, but that is about it. That bowl of “take one” is usually cleared out before the family is at the end of their driveway.
I wonder what Halloween is like at the Jeffs’ compound? All those jack-o-lanters lite up would be like the Balagio in Vegas. Who is creepier, Michael Jackson or Warren Jeffs? I guess Jackson only had three kids while Jeffs has help populate a small town.
This one comes out of the “articles of the bizarre”. A man in Connecticut is suing a wig shop over a dispute on a toupee color that caused the patron to have a heart attack. Of course the storeowner disputes this claim. I wonder if this made him so mad he pulled his hair off. He is BALD, anything for him would be better, unless he received Don King’s hair piece. Whatever happened to that “hair in a spray can” from like the 90’s? That stuff was flammable, why would a person want that on his head. The ad should have read “Piss of an ant pile with a lighter and our “hair in a can” then spray a glob on your head before you and your favorite woman hit the town.”
Anyone hear own a leaf blower? To me, that device says “Here neighbor, clean up my crap too.” I am sure they actual serve a purpose besides being loud, and putting your leaves into your neighbors yard. I was walking my dog the other day. An individual was using one of these leaf blowers. They lived on a cut-de-sac and were putting all the leaves and dust and dirt into one pile in the middle. As I passed back by later, a different neighbor was blowing that pile back into that neighbor’s yard. I was thinking that Jerry Springer might like what could happen next.
If Columbus did actually discover America in October, how the hell does that day always fall on a Monday? We don’t make this type of “shortcut” for the 4th of July. I can see conversation in the boat:
Shipmate Amos says “Chris good buddy is that the “New World” over there?”
Christopher replies “Perhaps, but it is Sunday…lets give it a day.”